Feeling Depressed after marriage? Do this to change it!
Have you ever worried about feeling unhappy after marriage? Or is it currently experiencing it?
A mother shares thoughts about her unhappy married life anonymously. She feels uncomfortable with marriage because the husband’s attitude is judged to be different after they get married.
I felt happier when I was dating first.
Not only that, but the Mother’s upload also invited many diverse responses. This includes other parents who also feel that they are unhappy with their marriage.
Then, what exactly is the form of a happy and unhappy marriage? What causes it and how to take steps to overcome the condition.
A common cause for someone to feel unhappy after marriage
In fact, feeling depressed after marriage cannot be measured absolutely. That is, couples with so-called happy marriages don’t just experience beautiful moments in their lives. However, usually, the couple is more focused on their moments of happiness.
In contrast to unhappy marriages, couples tend to focus only on negative moments that hit. And ignore the beautiful moments they have.
This is also consistent with the opinion of expert John Gottman. This is explained by Anna Surti Ariani, a family psychologist who explains the differences between happy and unhappy marriages according to John Gottman:
Happy marriages require reciprocal communication
The reciprocal way of communication is influential for forming a happy marriage. In a happy marriage, when a partner says something positive, then we will respond in a positive way too.
When a partner says something negative, the response tends to be indirect. Someone will try to understand first why their partner can express this negative remark.
Unlike the unhappy marriage. Usually, something positive will be taken for granted. On the other hand, negative comments will be responded to directly in a negative way as well.
In a happy marriage, when a partner says something hurtful, then someone will not blame the partner or himself. Instead of blaming each other, someone will focus on finding the source of the problem and looking for the positive side of hurtful words.
On the other hand, in an unhappy marriage, the listener will tend to focus on the hurt he has caused by the words he heard. This will encourage him to reply with negative sentences as well which can lead to an argument.
The existence of a ‘demanding-withdrawal’ pattern
Those who sue are usually women, while men prefer to step down and withdraw. When this pattern is formed, the marriage can be said to be less than happy.
Psychologist Anna Surti Ariani also explained that, in a happy marriage, demands are usually given fairly and communicated in an appropriate manner.
“So, the couple listened, discussed the demands, and tried to fulfill them with the loving support of ‘the prosecutor’,” wrote the psychologist who is familiarly called Nina.
Meanwhile, in an unhappy marriage, usually one of the parties makes demands that are difficult to fulfill. On the other hand, their partner pulls away, communication doesn’t work, and ultimately both of them are frustrated.
Interpretation of partner behavior
The way a person interprets and responds to a partner’s behavior turns out to distinguish happiness in marriage.
In a happy marriage, when a partner does something negative like talking harshly, usually people will interpret it as something that is temporary and will soon pass. This negative behavior is something that is caused by other factors outside the partner, not on the basis of its nature.
In unhappy marriages, when the partner does something negative, the person may interpret it as an innate trait or “that is what it is”, or “he is just selfish”. When a partner does something positive, they even think that it is a temporary attitude.
The unhappy couple not talking to one another.
Feeling unhappy after getting married? Start making these changes!
From these differences, it can be concluded that actually, a happy marriage will also find moments where the partner shows negative behavior or words. However, as explained by Nina, happy couples tend to focus on the positive and always try to return the condition to be even more positive.
On the other hand, feeling depressed after marriage usually focuses too much on negativity, hurt, and anger. These three things will actually worsen the conditions of the marriage.
“This is an option. Want a happy marriage or not? If so, then change needs to start with us, not blame others. Always discuss with your partner to determine steps for you to be happy. If it is difficult to discuss, maybe you already need a neutral third person to mediate the problem.